Colonel Porter's Charcuterie Starter Pack

Start Entertaining Like an Adult

The Colonel was a bro in college, but he believes that one should graduate in more ways than one when they graduate.   

Having friends over as an adult requires you to be a responsible, gracious host. It also means you should offer guests more than just booze.

Entertaining as an Adult

Sometimes: MRE - depends on the guest
Always: Charcuterie
Never: Lunchables


The Colonel assumes you are very familiar with MREs and the subsequent fun of the heating unit, um...experiments.  Do NOT serve Lunchables to guests.  At least not in the original package.


Charcuterie Basics:

The word “charcuterie” refers to cured meats, like salami, but today, most people picture a meat, cheese, and fruit tray, sprinkled with nuts and surrounded by crackers and dips. 

A charcuterie board can be elaborate, but the simple steps are as follows:

These items are available at most PX locations and Class 6 stores.  He knows you are very famliar with them--no need to lie.


  1. Start with protein: arrange cheese wedges, slices, etc.  The Colonel is a fan of Bacon-infused Gouda, but allows you to make your own choices.
  2. Add meat: salami, pepperoni, even lunchmeat sliced into cracker sized pieces.  This is not a ladies book club.  You cannot have a charcuterie without meat, by definition.
  3. Fruit salad is lower priority: the Colonel values silverware over fruit salad (this refers to the acquisition of merit based patches over participation medals in the military for those who are not in the Army).  Apple slices, small bunches of grapes, etc.  You can used dried fruit if you don't normally stock fresh fruit.
  4. Get some nuts: Coined famously by Mr. T in 80s Snickers candy bar commercials.  You can sprinkle some nuts  in where there are gaps in the board.
  5. Crackers and Dips: Add a bowl of crackers, cheese spreads, ranch dressing, or mustard to fill out the offering to the guests.  The Colonel likes standard Ritz, honey mustard, and tolerates his wife's Boursin spread.
  1. Don't forget spreaders: We aren't animals, Son.  
  2. Don't try to serve a charcuterie on a paper plate.  A small cutting board allows for minimal dirty dishes.  You can cut and serve on the same board.
  3. Don't be afraid to add color/variety.  Use an enamel lined bowl to dress up the display.  Add sweets to the board to balance the savory.


The Colonel enjoys his charcuterie starter (pictured) and has packaged some starter kits together so you can entertain like an adult, too.



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